Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part-10 By Katherine Lightwood

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Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part-10

By Katherine Lightwood


What is like to be successful...I probably would never know. From outside I am successful, I have a few so-called skills, I am blessed with good health and now a JOB. Dude...!! Dude like wow, hard to believe. But inside my mind, I am in severe pain. Constantly, battling with my inner demons. I am in agonizing pain and I have no idea how will I cope up with. People, especially my coworkers ask me why are you so quiet, why you are so different and so on. I would love them to explain but the reason is that I don't have a valid reason to show that why my face looks weird.  Sometimes I feel that I am too repulsive for this kind of behavior. I just stop functioning.

Somebody told me to "LOVE MYSELF"...and  I exactly felt how JOKER from Batman would have felt when he was shown a mirror after chemicals distorted his face. I was so much in pain when I heard that sentence that I literally wanted to laugh at that person's face. But I am not that rude from outside, so I looked down. The person who told me that shared her painful ordeals with me. And that was incomparable to my problems. She was strong beyond imagination. I wasn't able to fathom the situations when she shared her problems. I thought I would cry. I wasn't able to speak. When she explained these to me I imagined every single situation. I felt so lucky and ashamed at the same time. I have everything... and I still am pining for something so nonsense. I don't have any burden on my shoulders but I still am complaining.

Today I've realized that life is very long and you have only you. Only you could love yourself and no one else could. Whenever someone tells me to love myself I get really annoyed. But the fact is that I don't ... and I feel really alone because of that. I've never loved myself. But I always look for reasons so that I can forgive myself for just one time. I wish I could do that.

Life shows you so many phases... I've seen some but most of the part is yet to be seen. And as much as I am seeing different parts of life I am getting less and less interested. Days are justing flying past me and I am feeling like I am standing still. I wish I could run and move forward but I am not. My golden days are over and it's time to pack up and fight until I die. There's no way back.    

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