Life is Blunt By Katherine Lightwood

Life is Blunt

By Katherine Lightwood

Life is very blunt and so is love. A few years ago, I thought life is all about crest and troughs, about highs and lows, ups and downs. But I was so wrong, I am still wrong. After countless ordeals, after so many happenings I came to a conclusion. Life is very vast. It's not up to us to decide if it's good or bad. But it's blunt. It's very very slow but yet fast. Massive but yet so small. It's infinitesimally small and unimaginably huge at the same time. Life is just a handful of time that we've got and it's up to us to decide whether to waste it or spend it well or do whatever we want.

A while ago I was going through all of my posts. Reading my memories. Recollecting them as if they were lost from me. And all I realized that I was so naive. Experimenting and experiencing things for the first time, liking or not liking it. Getting dazzled by experiences that I've imagined only in my wildest dreams.

But over time, things started to change. I've changed, in many strange ways. I am still naive in countless things but the child in me somehow died. It is not sad as it sounds, it's not happy either. It's neutral and blunt, just like "life". Now, I let go of many things that I used to hold on to, a few years ago. I don't hold on to anything that is meant to go away. I don't claim anything or anyone. I am learning to let life take over me. I am learning not to hold grudges and not forcing things to mold in my way. Is it good or bad, I don't judge anymore. The surprising things that's happening are I am not intimidated criticism or appreciation. People's opinion doesn't interest me that much. I get quite satisfied if I please those people that I work for and sometimes scratches of guilt irritate me but not very much.

I am always in pain but that's blunt now. Not sharp, not shining. Sometimes it feels like pain and sorrow are my best friends. They don't hurt me now, they always stay with me. They never leave my side. Now, I am comfortable with my despair. Surprisingly that's not depressing. I feel like I am going on a different flow, a far different than others. Humming a silent song, walking silently downhill to the only destination that we are all going towards, DEATH.

I am trying very hard to understand my life, my purpose here on earth, trying to do my services for the world and repenting for my misdeeds. I've also made peace with my guilt and shame. Before bothering me, they now teach me, not to repeat my mistakes.

Once my enemies are now my greatest friends. My guilt, shame, sorrows, and pains have shaped me in this way. Although at the surface it looks very sad and dark but from the bigger picture it is perfect. That reminds me of a thought my teacher once said.

" Even though things are bad at the surface everything has a good reason for happening. Find it and you'll be in peace." 

And somehow I find those reasons. And maybe that's the key to be in peace with the world and with your own self.