Guilty Confessions of Weekend By Katherine Lightwood

Guilty Confessions of Weekend

By Katherine Lightwood

“Usually Mondays’ are blues for most of you folks, but it seems like Sunday’s are blues for me. Most of you might be thinking of planning a night out or a chillin’ day with your friends and families but my case is actually different. Yesterday I spent the whole day, in front of my computer making digital paintings for my competition, writing content and even after so much of work at the end of the day I felt horribly upset as if I haven’t done anything. After running so fast, I always felt left out and the last person on the line. I felt so awful that I can’t even describe it in words. And this realization struck me after 8 o’clock in the evening. I was writing and I just couldn’t focus on anything. I was tinnitus got worse, my head started to pound and my whole body started heating up for no reason. I checked my blood pressure and it got very low as usual.”

So, that’s how I spend my weekends. Now you must be saying, oh, come ‘on get some drink and have a little chill, it’s not the end of the world’. I know right, that’s what I keep saying to myself. But no matter what every time I ran out of motivation.  I have no freaking idea about what I should do and what I shouldn’t. I always fear that I will make the same mistakes as I did in my past. There’s a pattern that I can’t help to stop running over.

Purpose, you see purpose is something which is so hard to understand for me. I’ve never understood what the purpose is in my life, but after seeing other’s achieve great heights I sometimes wonder am I really a human being, do I matter in this world and or I am just a ‘stimulation’ or a joke. Strangely enough, I don’t have any complaints from anyone in my life; everyone has been kind to me, wanted me to lift up from this hell hole but dear oh dear, I just simply can’t stop myself from going down and down.

Everything, especially bad thing in my life relapses and the funny thing is it’s all in my head. Nothing is really out there. If anybody sees my life they will say oh dear you are the most fortunate human being I have ever seen. But god, my head is just so dirty place that’s light or any positive motivation just gets sucked in and disappears. Yeah!! Just like the supermassive black hole in the center of the universe. It just doesn’t affect me.  And my anger levels, I don’t wanna talk about it, just so you know incredible hulk will turn into dust in front of my anger. Basically, that’s the issue and I have no idea how to fix this.

Some suggest me to talk to a therapist; some suggest me to share my problems with people and some say to practice meditation. And trust me I’ve tried all those options and seem like failure is my best friend. Everyone in this world is in some kind of pain and I get it, but all I am saying is my tolerance level is getting lower and lower. And I don’t know how much I can hold on to.      

So, that was my thought of the day. To see more posts like this make sure to visit our main page. And Do not forget to visit our institute's page to know more about graphic design, 3D, animation courses and other awesome stuff. Till then good day to you.

Katherine Lightwood