Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part-3 By Katherine Lightwood

Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part-3

By Katherine Lightwood

Fear...This is my strongest emotion and one of my biggest weakness. No one will ever believe me but this is the only emotion that I usually feel. Yes...another is anger and that's it. People say they feel nostalgic, love, lust, hunger, excitement and many other but all I could feel is Fear. It paralyzes me, makes me do thinks that I don't want, makes me behave that I don't want. Sometimes I feel my whole life is driven by fear. People ask me ...What do I fear most?  My honest and most truthful answer is "EVERYTHING"... There is nothing in the world that I am not afraid of... people, insects, unanswered questions, pain, promises, eyes, smile, emotion, attention, love, care...and many countless things.

And not just an itty bitty fear... Fear that grips me like a ghost and I stop functioning. I can remember a dialogue by Vision (Avengers, Age of Ultron movie)  where he says, "I try to understand about this mind stone" and I am also doing the same. You have seen in most of my blog posts that I mostly speak about Mentel Health, Depression, and "Negative" kind of stuff. But the reason for me doing this is I want to create awareness about all these. In today's society, it has become a very big taboo.

I suffer from severe Social Anxiety Disorder and it is getting worse and worse every day. I get flashes of my worst memories whenever I am in any social situation especially when I am being judged especially at the time of any interview or talks. I usually start to hallucinate. And no any breathing techniques or motivation works because at that time I am not in my right mind. I start to panic, my voice shiver, I feel terribly sick and dizzy. And finally, then I lose the chance. And that's how I get rejected or get classified as a freakshow. Life gets very hard when you suffer from any mental disorders.

I often hear from people surrounding me...Why you are so nervous? Be confident, act normal and the most heartbreaking stuff I hear is... "Why are you acting so abnormally and making a fuss out of it..." from people who are very close to me. Sometimes I completely lose my mind. Act violently with them, scream at their face or sometimes I suffer in a quite nervous breakdown hoping no one could see me. But they do, and somehow I attract most of the attention. It's like I am stuck in an endless chain of unsaid agony that no one can see and no one can feel. The FEAR... it's a twisted reflection of my dark and nasty past that I can never erase. And now, it has become my identity and I can't fake.

 So, that was my thought of the day. To see more posts like this make sure to visit our main page. And Do not forget to visit our institute's page to know more about graphic design, 3D, animation courses and other awesome stuff. Till then good day to you.

Katherine Lightwood