Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part-5 By Katherine Lightwood

Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part-5

By Katherine Lightwood

Sometimes we keep fooling ourselves by making illusions in our mind, imagining situations and stuff that is purely hypothetical or doesn't exist in real life to make life a bit easier, comfortable and easy to live. You know the thing is "truth" that we say sometimes get so bitter that it's hard to live with it. It's quite easy to say that live your life truthfully, be truthful, the truth is better and so on. But try to imagine that in "real life" I am guaranteeing you that you can't survive. Life is hard and the truth is the hardest. Sometimes it's ugly, suffocating and grim.

I've heard people telling me to be real, be practical, don't fantasize and I didn't. I tried to as real as possible from childhood. I've tried not to dream and not wish for things that are beyond my reach. I didn't ever lay eyes on stuff that I thought was not for me. But what this"truth" got me...Nothing. I became more scared, more fragile and less confident. The "Truth" that I was running behind of seemed to add a poisonous scent in my life.

Sometimes you have to look beyond the truth. Even though it's in front of you, lie to yourself, lie that you can do it even though you know you can't and it's not meant for you. Maybe for just a second, you get a wave of happiness of a false glory, maybe for a split second, you feel that you are fulfilled even if you are rotting in hell. Life doesn't always give you glory, achievement, and happiness. To feel happy sometimes you have to fake your glory, believe in things that don't exist, feel loved when you are rejected by everyone. Your brain will release endorphins which will give you a sense of happiness and help you survive through tough times.

For those who don't know me, I am a very anti-social person. I don't have many friends and I don't mix up very well with people. So, to get through tough times I imagine...and imagine a lot. That sometimes go beyond the limit and start to interfere with my real world. I imagine myself to be glorious when I am not, I imagine myself to be strong and graceful when I am feeble and ugly, I imagine myself to loved and cared when I am rejected and left alone. I have lots of imaginary friends, more then I know people in the real world. I am the champion of my imaginary world when I am a loser in my real world. And it gives me happiness, it gives me peace. That's a big reason that I want to be left alone so that I can be with them. That's the place where I don't feel guilty, I don't get blamed and I don't get insulted. That's my world. It's not real and it's not the truth but it helps me to survive. So, if it is helping me to live my life then what's the point of this grotesque truth. I am happy with the lies.

Katherine Lightwood