Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part- 7 By Katherine Lightwood

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Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part- 7

By Katherine Lightwood


Here's the thing with success...it's a sugar-coated TIME BOMB. You started to get hang of it and it explodes in your mouth. Life is very weird and you can't describe it as a bottle half filled or half empty. It's rather like a distorted tree branch that when we look at it from a certain angle it looks like an epitome of beauty but as we change the angle it becomes a demonic entity. It's all about angle. But the exact shape of life... I hardly think anyone has ever understood.

Today, I saw a different phase of life. A phase that I haven't seen before...clink of  SUCCESS in other people's words. I thought I would be happy, life would be easier then...But I was wrong. Today, I got a job on a big production house as a Graphic Designer/ Concept Artist. But as I walked out of the office... a strange gloom surrounded me. I searched for every single reason to be happy but I didn't find one, I was sad without any reason. My heart was so heavy that I started getting dizzy. As I was traveling in the subway and tried to focus my thoughts on the repetitive monotonous announcement, a heavy tear trickled down my cheeks. I was surprised. After a while, I understood that it was of some guilt, forgotten pain and the pressure to perform well in the company. 

I was heartbroken and sad. I started to panic and got up from my seat. So, that I can face away from the public. I walked among the crowd and tried to hide my face. Well, emotions are so complex. I couldn't understand them. It breaks us and mends us in a certain way. I found out that, success also could make you feel vulnerable. With rejections, you know that you are unwanted. No one will ask you, you will be left alone in the dark. But with success, it's a strange thought, you will be called, you will be judged and tasted. It's scary. As if you are in constant danger and sometimes it can also be chaotic and loud. I am not saying that I prefer rejection more than success. Just that lately I have observed it quite a lot. and it makes me question many things. What actually do I want, what is my worth, what is my value... Do I actually matter or sometimes I see mirages and distorted thoughts of people? I am just confused.

As I desperately seek for the truth, it seems like I get more and more emerged into confusion. During this whole emotional turmoil, I was desperately texting my teacher as I thought I would go insane. But after a few hours, he texted me back. He made me understood the whole job scenario and also cleared some of my confusions. I was really calm down after that. I felt really blessed that I was surrounded by such great souls who always encourage me to get up after I fall down.

Katherine Lightwood             

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