Perception of my Self Image By Katherine Lightwood

Perception of my Self Image

By Katherine Lightwood

These days I am struggling with my anxiety and mental health lot more than my already deteriorating physical health. And I've been thinking a lot about self-image recently. So, I took a trip down my memory lane. When I was in my early teens I decided in order to push the limits of my own knowledge of own self-image that I would get rid of it, literally and entirely.

At that point, I started hating my physical looks so much that I started obsessing about changing my whole "Outer Shell". I experimented so much with so many things that one day I took a challenge to go without seeing a mirror for a week. And how did I felt about my looks...? Well, at first I thought I don't entirely hate the way I look but the problem areas tend to be louder than everything else. I sometimes was told that I was too skinny but whenever I used to look at the mirror I saw all the body fat that I wanted to get rid off and that dissonance has never been pleasant. My shoulders are crooked and rounded, my feet and hands are way too tiny for my body and many other things that I can't even describe. And when I say these things out loud I think... wow... I am describing Igor from Frankenstein. I like many people use makeup and social media as a way of building an image of myself that I am comfortable with. 

So, at that age, I wanted to see if literally depriving my brain of my own image would somehow free me from the negative thoughts that I have about it and maybe I would see myself differently after not seeing myself for an extended period of time. So, I set myself a few rules. Walk away from the mirror or cover it and if you catch a glimpse of yourself as you inevitably will... look away immediately.  

The first few days, it was not the worst thing. Washing your hair and combing it when you can't see is weird but I got used to it eventually. Giving myself a challenge of looking away when I caught myself a reflection reminded me of just how many times I used to check in myself to make sure that everything is in place. And I was really hoping that at the end of the challenge I wouldn't feel the need to do that as much anymore. 

I honestly surprised myself how comfortable I was. I thought not knowing how I looked would make me anxious but it didn't. But however, I wasn't feeling liberated. It was the most neutral that I've ever felt about anything. Mirrors are how we see that others see. And when that voice for me was taken away I literally had no feelings about my body at all. That made me realize that this is how I judge my body by how others might perceive it. So, my negative thoughts kind of, surprisingly, were revealed to be societal standards imposing their ideas of what I should look like. And when it came down to just looking down at myself I had no opinions. I didn't love my body, I didn't hate my body. It was just a reality. It was comforting to identify the source of where my negative self-image comes from and to know that it doesn't particularly come from within. 

At that weekend I was quite happy with how I survived the challenge. With no mental breakdown and self-consciousness. I thought I was experiencing "acceptance". So, I was pretty excited o see what would happen when I will look at the mirror after so many time.....And oh boy, It was a shock. I took one glance at myself and every single negative thought came flooding. "your hair is a mess, you face is weird, your shape of nose is funny, your lips are disgusting.... and so many more thoughts. ....Woah.... breathe... 

What the week without the mirror gave me seperation from those thoughts. They were no longer was part of my daily mental chatter. They rather became visitors. So, little by little I restricted myself looking at the mirror obsessively so that these negative thoughts wouldn't bother my daily life as much as they were doing back then. And that was a long journey of acceptance.