Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part- 8 By Katherine Lightwood

Mental Journal of Dark Thoughts Part- 8

By Katherine Lightwood

I am someone who is worst at processing feelings. Well, yesterday was surprisingly my last day at my institute (If things go well and if my new employer keeps me permanently at my job). I just felt everything and nothing at the same time. And I didn't understand what I was going through. I had experienced the most precious moment of my life till now. It was so short... so so short that I haven't properly lived it. I wish I could but I couldn't. And I think this was it... A glimpse of heaven while being dragged into hell.

I couldn't explain how I felt...honoured, cared, treasured, worthless, rejected, betrayed and many other things at the same time. I never felt that way before. In my whole life, I was never honored that much...not even close to it. I got so much intimidated about this that feeling that I started getting severe anxiety attacks. My dark thoughts crept from inside and started bulling myself. I was cursing myself, blaming for misdeeds, repeatedly telling myself that I am worthless. And my health started to deteriorate. I wanted to hide in dark, erase myself from eternity but the thing is that that's not possible. Since last year, my life took a different turn. Life was getting darker but somehow it seemed like a light followed me and guided me the whole way and I couldn't see that light. I couldn't even see the sight of that light. And I think it was better that,  I haven't seen any part of it. It will lead to expectations and expectations into unnecessary pain. I've learned countless things in those two years... not only studies and skills. Other than these...life skills, self-worth, and many valuable lessons in life.

My teachers... God... how will I even start. They are barely my teachers now. Slowly they become an ideal, an inspiration, a mark of perfection and many other things. The most important thing they taught me how to be CREATIVE. Their thoughts and shared memories became my pillar of art and writings. I used it as a ladder to climb up and achieve my first step of success. Or else, what was I am... a fake and delusional person without any goal wandering hoping to find a reason to survive. And one of my teachers literally gave me the reason to survive... a purpose to do a greater good, the thing I've always wanted. He taught me to help others to heal your own self by setting his own example. I saw and I learned. Yesterday they were talking to me, gave me all the advice to survive in a cynical office environment. They told me never to compromise on anything...If I don't like anything I have to say it. I felt so blessed... And what more can I want? After letting down everyone, I got everything I've ever wanted. And I hope I can make them proud in the future too. They are like my most treasured gem.

Speaking of my friends...I didn't have friends but I do have many brothers and sisters. A bunch of strangers became so close to my heart. I've shared some of my darkest and most forbidden secrets with them. And that's how my life in Arena Institute  Malviya Nagar ended... 

Katherine Lightwood