Trails of Dark Thoughts By Katherine Lightwood

Trails of Dark Thoughts

By Katherine Lightwood

"....all I ever wanted was to be a part of a story. A story far away from the land of chaos, a story to be ancient, filled with magic and feelings that are just indescribable in words." 
 
But a wish remained a wish, and I was dragged into a world of screams and superficiality. I always keep on figuring out the rules of the world, rules through which the others live by and never have I ever could figure out the truth. It's just the endless babble of nonsensical words that I don't understand. Ok!! to give a name of my strange obsessions and feelings I gave a name to my thoughts. "Gothic Thoughts". And whenever I present it to people they get very repulsed by it, they never understand it. I don't blame them. But I think I am too obscure for this world, this society or even this era. I am unable to fit in in this world. And I don't think there's a single soul in this world who can relate with me.

Since my childhood, I am in love with grim silence, gloomy weather, quiet conversations with quiet people about nature, astronomy, poetry, art, and love. My obsessions with biblical stories, angels, demons and supernatural stuff, it's becoming too much. I thought if I would grow up I will lose this kind of obsessions and be like everybody else.

I am from India. And there's nothing Indian about me, people surrounding me considers me as an outcast. In my job, I cannot connect with anybody, no one gets me, I don't get anyone and because of this, my workflow is getting disturbed.

I am told that I am naive, I am inexperienced and unexposed because I have never been in any kind of relationship. but nobody knows a bit about what goes inside my head. Not even a hint. I choose not to be in any relationship, I choose not to tell anybody about my deepest feelings. Because I don't claim any human being. It's not about being unexposed, because no one knows how much I had been exposed and in how much worst level possible. That is my choice to shut my mouth and not tell others about my feeling of disgust, hatred or love for them. Because I think they are my own feelings and I am solely responsible for this. I don't want to bother anybody with my personal desires no matter its love or hate.

Therefore that makes me a very strange person from other regular folks. I am not someone who feels hatred for someone and blabber things out at their face. I stay quiet, I choose to stay quiet or else I will lose myself. and I am not upset about it.

People of the outside world always lecture me, about living life and be open. Go to adventures and do stuff that they like. I just listen to them with blank expressions. I don't have any energy or intentions to argue with them or say anything to them. All I understand that they lack empathy. I am facing a real hard time dealing with such people.

And another problem that I am facing and it is a major problem. It is wreaking me from inside out, a problem that I can not speak off. A problem with my mind and the root cause of all problem. And I am not sure if I could articulate it in words. My words are losing sense and I am losing my mind.

Katherine Lightwood.