My 'Mask of Creativity' is Falling Down By Katherine Lightwood

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My 'Mask of Creativity' is Falling Down

By Katherine Lightwood


Creativity!! Whenever I hear this word I just get extremely angry or my heart just breaks but I couldn't cry. People in my institute sometimes use this word for me, that I am "creative" and I can't explain to them how painful it is to me. I mean my excuse is not relevant enough to satiate people's understanding.

Creativity, on the surface, is a gift. People want creative mind, they say they want to explore the realms of their creativeness but little did they know what goes behind the curtains. In this blog, I want to share my story.

I had never heard someone using this word for me before I was out of my college. Since childhood, I was the extremely quiet kid who frequently gets bullied and beaten up by people, who don't smile at other's mundane jokes and don't socialize much. I was always in a constant state of torment, never was at peace with myself. When I was little, I didn't understand the meaning of those thoughts. I frequently used to wake up from my sleep after seeing terrible nightmares. And because of this, I slept with my mum and dad till my high school. YES!! That's how pathetic I was. As I grew older and studied the brain and the human body, my understanding got clear and I realized that I was suffering from 'clinical depression'. Seriously, I mean what worse can it get.

I always felt isolated even if I am surrounded by my family or other people. I felt socially isolated, culturally isolated, intellectually isolated and emotionally isolated. I never met any human being with whom I can relate to myself. So, I thrived in melancholy. I made friends with books. When people were going to parties, busy in making friends, talked about makeup and shiny things, blabbering about their crushes and love, I was losing myself in those books. Learned about the world of shadows, glass, and bones. Fairies, nymphs, ogres, trolls, and mermaids became my best friends. And they were so much more interesting than people.

People often ask me did I ever had a crush or fall in love? My answer is usually 'no' in front of them but to be real it's 'yes'. I fell for the characters of my books, they were my world. I grew up with them, I learned from them and their point of view gave me a fresh perspective.

For the people of the world, those who met me in person will find me very unappealing in appearance and with thoughts. But I never care. Childish it may sound but I have more entertainment in my mind then the rest of the world. But just like the world, my mind is also not an always a happy place. And lately, it's started to get scary. It seems like a dark thick mist is covering my consciousness restricting me to think straight.

As I told you before, people of my institute thinks that I am creative and thus have lots of expectations from me. And for the first time in my life, I haven't been rejected and kicked out. People who showed faith in me means everything to me. And I am so afraid that their bridge of expectation might break and it will break my world. I am terrified and paralyzed to even think and doing something is beyond my capability now.

It pains my heart when my teacher says that 'I am creative'. It terrifies me to even think that what will happen when the 'mask of creativity' will fall from my face. It's better to be tagged as a loser like I was before. It felt more real. I am really sorry that the blog is getting negative but I am helpless. I am suffocating in this false facade that I've created. I am sorry I failed.

 So, that was my thought of the day. To see more posts like this make sure to visit our main page. And Do not forget to visit our institute's page to know more about graphic design, 3D, animation courses and other awesome stuff. Till then good day to you.
Katherine Lightwood
       

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